My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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