Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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