I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
