oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
