Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize