Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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