So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
