I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
