I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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