Non-Jews are for practice
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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