i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
