i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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