Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
