I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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