I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
