some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
