Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
