Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
