You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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