They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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