Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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