mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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