Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
