So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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