youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
