I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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