i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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