no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
