I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
