I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
