Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
