just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
