I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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