You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
