We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
