You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
