recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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