He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
