just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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