I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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