Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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