new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
