I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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