If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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