3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You made out with two different species that night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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