Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
