hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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