I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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