got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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