thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Pooping to opera.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
