gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
