I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
