I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize