I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
