the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
