Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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