I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
